I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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