drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
