She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
