Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
