Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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