I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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