You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
