I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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