Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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