Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
