y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Someone shit on the floor
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
