I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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