I puked a lego.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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