I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
