I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
