when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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