Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
