Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
