On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
