k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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