I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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