I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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