I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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