My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
