I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
