my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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