an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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