i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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