if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
