bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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