Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
