Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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