i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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