I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
