good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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