Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
