If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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