Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
