You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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