you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
only if we run a train.
done.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
