If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
