Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
