I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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