Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
