I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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