also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
