Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
