non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
