capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she pinky promised me she was 18
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
