my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
