If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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