i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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